Living outside the UK, I don’t tend to see a great deal of my homeland’s TV anymore. That is to say that I don’t see a huge variety of the programmes on offer. I can get the things that I want over the internet, but gone are the days of simply flicking on the box and letting whatever happens to be playing wash over me for an hour or two. I have found this approach to be preferable over the years, so after a chance encounter with show called ‘Eat well for Less’ yesterday, I was left wondering what humanity had come to.
Now this may well be a hugely popular show. I have no idea. It may well be considered prime viewing. It could have won awards for all I know, but my god, watching the shit dry on a badger’s arse would be preferable to this banal drivel.
The premise is that two thrifty blokes who know a bit about food, but are ‘geezerish’ enough as to not appear superior or overly intelligent, pass judgement on a family of imbeciles who can’t manage their own fridge, wallets or diets. The show doesn’t touch on their toilet habits, but it seems likely that they would need to watch an instructional video before wiping their arses.
We start by meeting the family.
Alan and Sue live in Bradford. They have two lovely children, Peru and Ocean. Alan has somehow managed to find himself a job in an office somewhere, and Sue helps part time at a local centre for the mentally infirm. Both the children are doing well in primary school. We see clips of the whole family in action. Alan looks efficient, but we can see that his job is stressful and important. Sue is clearly very busy with being impossibly caring. We are even treated to a little recorder recital from one of the many extracurricular activities in which the kids engage. They all come across as cuddly, but so very busy. However, do they manage?
Now, we have a little look in the kitchen. The family is clearly spending more than they need to. The geezers exchange worried glances. This needs sorting, and fast.
Next, we follow the family around on their regular shop. They supposedly have no idea that they are being filmed, and are obviously completely oblivious of the television crew that is following them. In fact, you can see that Sue is completely off guard because she has come out to do the weekly shop dressed like Princess Dianna (before the accident). The two geezers sit in what I think is meant to be the security office, watching the proceedings on small screens.
“Look, she’s picked up some name brand ham, Geezer 2”.
“Oh yes. She could have saved nearly a pound if she’d picked up the supermarket’s own brand, Geezer 1”.
“People think that the more you pay, the better the quality is going to be.”
“Yes, Geezer 1, people really are fucking stupid, aren’t they?”
“Absolute bunch of cunts, Geezer 2.”
The geezers then jump out from behind a stack of baked beans, and everyone laughs uproariously.
This is where the frivolity ends. It’s time for the family to hear some home truths.
“Alan, did you know that buying cheaper ham will cost you less?”
“I had no idea. My life is a sham, Geezer 1. But what about the quality?”
This is clearly a good question because we cut to an expert in a white coat.
“Prunella, what about the quality?”
“It’s fine, Geezer 2”
“Great.”
“You see, Alan, you could save two thousand pounds a year if you weren’t such a dick.”
Sue is in tears now. 2000 pounds would buy her a boob job and the chance to get on a less shit television programme.
“Sue, if you cooked the food that you buy instead of getting take out every night and then binning the contents of your fridge every weekend, you could save enough to get your arse done as well. It’s proper saggy”.
“Thanks, Geezer 1. I had no idea that I was such a fucking idiot.”
The family, now thoroughly determined to change their ways are now left for a week to get on with it, but the contents of their food cupboard have been put into plain packaging. Some items have been swapped out for cheaper brands, and we sit on the edge of our seats to see in Peru and Ocean are going to notice that their mega nutrition superfood serial bars have been swapped out for some Tesco’s own ones which, shockingly, contain 2 grams less sugar (which over the space of a year could add up to what looks like quite a lot of sugar when poured into a glass bowl). Alan is concerned that his 4 pack of lager might have been swapped for a less manly brand, and even though he clearly can’t distinguish one can of fizzy brown water from another, is pretending that he can taste the difference. Sue, so set on saving up for her plastic surgery while she’s still young enough to enjoy it, is pretending that she hasn’t noticed that her tampons have been switched for pine cones.
The climax of the show is the great reveal, where the family find out that they have been eating slightly different food to the previous week and stand there agape when they find out what they could save if they weren’t so mentally deficient. They vow to change their ways, but we all know that when the adrenaline rush of standing next to two minor celebrities has passed, they will continue exactly as they were before.
We cut to the two geezers walking away from the house bandy legged because their balls are even bigger than they were at the start of the show.
“Well, we got that good and sorted.”
“Yes, Geezer 1. She’ll look crackin’ with a new set of bangers.”
We silently despair.
